I am over the moon. A super senior in BJJ class today called me ‘tough girl’. Easy to please yes. It means the world to me when I feel so dumb and clueless compared to everyone else. When someone who is actually really good says “hey,,,tough girl!” after class and drilling with him, so proud man, so so proud of myself.
It’s sweater weather. Here I am, sitting home at noon in a short satin nightie with long socks and a thick sweater hiding under the hood eating grapes and nuts. It feels bloody comfortable. I have a dark blue bruise on my arm from BJJ and my body is hurting all over from class struggles and sleeping on the floor. I feel proud looking at the bruise. It feels like something real is done.
So the past few days.
- Spent time with parents – the good and the quarrels as per usual
- Car broke down in the middle of the road
- Hurt people’s feelings
- Met a couple new interesting people
- Watched Beauty and the Beast
- Started reading a new book
Lately I have been feeling estranged and out of place. More so than before. I’ve always been one with the (a little bit)different idea than people around me but now I feel like people just don’t get it. They don’t understand why I see this and that as this and that and it makes me feel quite alone. At the midst of trying to get people to understand, and I might have tried too hard to do so, I believe I have hurt a few people. My conclusion, it’s best I keep my opinions to myself as very few would be able to understand and won’t get offended.
Reticence is important. Being quiet and doing my own thing and mini self development projects, diving into my interests is best. It’s not necessary to share especially with those who doesn’t have the same interest. After all, I tend to overshare and can kill people with boredom. I think am driving people away. Not that I care that much if people like me or not but I am not comfortable with negative air surrounding me.
Forking out more money for the car means, I am very unlikely to go for my short trip in April. I just bought a new laptop and some fancy shit for my little nephews too so I guess I have to pull back on a mini vacation. I am a little upset but perhaps I shouldn’t go anyway since I was contemplating.
My mom randomly offered me a huge loan to continue grad school. It’s a very tempting offer because I am thirsty to be good at something else and it’s my good chance to flee. I am thinking about it.
I just started on “Yes, my accent is real” by Kunal Nayyar or Rajesh Koothrappali from Big Bang Theory. I liked him on BBT and named one of my dad’s cat Rajesh because of him. He is hilarious. I like reading books that make me escape reality. It’s like a nice vacation from real life.
New people I met? I met a mom who cooks healthy stuff and is a part of an NGO. She gave me her card and told me to call her if I’d like to hang out. I believe I should call her. Seems like a healthy thing to do. Granted I don’t scare all those women away. I am also making more friends from BJJ. This is what I need. I realise that all these energy should be invested into making myself better at stuff like BJJ.
I enjoyed every minute of Beauty and the Beast. I relate very well to the story and of course, I cried. The part where Belle is just considered a weird girl, or how Belle is hungry for things out there, “there must be more than this provincial life”. And then her love story with the Beast which made me want to kill myself cos it’s a bit much for me. Not that R looks like a Beast. A little, maybe. It’s in how in the beginning I thought he was a pompous, boring, arrogant rich man I wouldn’t fit into. Yet he turned out to be able to laugh at my absurdity. I smile when I think about his surprised face as we were crossing the road. “Did you just call me Mr Specific?”
The part when Belle saw his library like she was shown a whole world. A whole new world.
It’s that softness I see in that constant angry face. It made me feel special. Made me feel like I belong. When I asked “why do you have to scare people?” to which he answered “you need to instil fear sometimes”. He is such a Beast.
Belle left for her father after the Beast asked “Do you think you can be happy here?” and she responded “I don’t know. Can you be happy when you’re not free?” R knows I want freedom. “what do you want to be free from he asked”. “Life, I said”.
I said we should go out dancing. He said, “we should do that and many other things.”
When Belle left, the Beast sang Evermore. That. Killed. Me.
The lyrics killed me. But all ended well in the movie.
And for the first time in my life, I wished my life was like a fairy tale. I wish there will be that happy ending too, I wish the pain will be taken away and replaced with a glorious happy tale. Yet in reality, you still owe me a dance and my beast/Prince Charming might never come.
And I have made peace with that. Although I see him everywhere, I think about him all the time, I hear him all the time and I wish he was there with me whatever I was doing. I feel crazy because it’s like I have his ghost haunting me. If this is what they call real love, I must have never fallen in love. It’s either love or I am really crazy. What kind of wizardry is this anyway? One moment I feel this way, and sometimes I feel really angry I want to punch you in the face. Punch, hard like you asked me to.
“You need accosting.”
“I don’t think I have a problem with that. I do get accosted.”
“Don’t anymore. Except by me.”
“How do I stop them?”
Time to stop overthinking about this and put my mind elsewhere. This obsession isn’t healthy. Hello Rajesh.
Not too long ago I was telling a friend who was heartbroken about a boy “Hey, I’ve dated many guys, and one thing I can tell you is it will get better. You need to realise that guys aren’t essential and the most important thing is yourself. They’re nice to have around though.” That advice actually perked her up and how I wish it can perk me up as well right now. I was so happy at the time. You’re in my life, things seem to be going well and at the time I thought, “I like this guy, and finally someone who feels really right but if shit goes downhill I will be fine.”
Yet here I am. Still writing about you. Still thinking about you. Still missing you.
I am aware of how dumb I may be. I am sure of how dumb I look like. But at this point, I don’t think I could care less. I remember that time when we had a fight, I told you “at the risk of sounding really pathetic, let me fight for us because I know you too are happy with me just as I am really happy with you.” That’s a first.
I know you’re happy R. I know you were happy. I just know.
This is not my first love. But it was the first time I was so confident about a person. So confident about giving myself to a person. To finally want to let my guard down and surrender. I wanted to tell the world that “hey, I like this guy a lot.” and “hey, this is the one I’d like to meet my family.” Those who know me, know I don’t ever advertise my relationships to the extend of having a parent questioning my sexuality. I wanted to be by your side. All the way. Even when you told me “I would understand if any time you want to walk away.” I still do.
I don’t understand. I truly don’t understand.
And I wish I have an answer to this. Maybe a scientific equation that explains it all. Hey it’s just the dopamine.
At times I sit and wonder, I look at other people, or hear my friends about their partners and it made me miss you. Maybe I will meet someone too but I am so afraid, because I want that someone to be you. I am afraid that I am unable to give this much of myself to the next person and I will feel this hole even when I am with others and hence, what is the point? This particular thought swept away any jealousy I could feel because “just because I am in a relationship, doesn’t mean I am in one with the right qualities”. I am not who I used to be. I hope this won’t be crippling my future even though I am feeling like a cripple. I am more content being by myself than with someone if that person can’t make me feel the way I feel about you.
I feel screwed. It’s quite scary.
And on my drive home, I just couldn’t help but cry.
Crying though my darling, doesn’t mean weakness.
After all that’s happened, after all I have learned, I am scared of one thing. You knowing how much I feel for you and that it all meant nothing to you. It matters to me if you’re laughing at me and thinking I am weak.
If you have to know baby, I am doing well. It’s just I can’t really turn off this feeling even if I wanted to and I cannot stop missing you. No one knows how much I am still crying because I miss and want you and how much you mean to me. Let it be my little secret that you’re always on my mind.
“Talk to me, can’t you see?
I’m on your side”
Some time last week, I heard you’re down South and I learned that since that day you went missing, you have not entered your base office. Wow, people do talk. What am I supposed to do with that information? I am glad you’re alive but it also blows my mind and whatever the fuck that’s going on, the truth for me lies right here. You left, in spite of all you said, you left me, you’re not here now and in spite of this I still love you. So, so be it. I will live my life to the fullest and I will live it with this emotions as long as it’s there because I figured, I can’t fight it. I never thought I could love like this but life has its own ways to surprise you. I am glad that I am able to gather myself and my dignity(or whatever that’s left of it) and just carry on.
Of course there are days that are harder than the other, like last week. I went to the mall where we met the second time. It made me a little nervous because I was afraid of memories of you and I. I could picture vividly you standing there waiting for me as I walked pass Swarovski and then of you looking at me from the station when I left and of you just randomly appearing at another store because I left something. And the cinema. Even the spine exhibition.
I signed up for salsa lessons. Hence the mall.
It’s a lot of effort to be there, but I believe it’s worth it.
Maybe I will be able to salsa my way into happiness. Haha, lame joke. I know.
Recently I’ve been getting mind pops of random exotic places. Some(most) I didn’t know of. Especially when I wake up and the first thing in the morning? Dubrovnik, Serengeti, Salalah, and even weirder Kiribati. I don’t know why this is happening, not mind pops, but exotic places and random African words like ‘biltong’ but it’s interesting to find out more about the semantic memories.
Here is some random pictures of jalapeño poppers I made for dinner. I ate all of them. Together with Garret’s popcorn for dinner.
There’s just something wildly satisfying when I look at them. My stomach is still in flames.
I do wonder if, what if I get into a dangerous situation, will you still be there to save me? As you put it before, “You will be safe if you are always with me.”. I did feel safe. I knew you could take care of me.
I went for BJJ today. I missed two weeks of class because of the travelling and insomnia and I didn’t do very well in class today. It was pretty fun regardless because the girl I partnered up with is rather cool.
When I got home, I felt a sudden urge for sashimi. There’s a Japanese restaurant 15 minutes walk from my place so I walked. Had my sashimi, salad and delicious sake. I finished the whole thing in a rush and now I am rather tipsy.
It’s funny because I was all sober this afternoon yet cut my fingers while I was shaving sweet potatoes. I made more tonight while I am tipsy and fortunately didn’t hurt myself again.
I miss chest. 91kg body. scent
I remember very well the feelings I had when I left your hotel, after kissing you in the lobby, listening to this song as I hug that unicorn. I couldn’t stop grinning. Thinking, about how we were going to see each other again in another three days. Now it feels like I am on the other side of the wall whenever I listen to this song. Funny how things change perhaps at the flip of a coin.
We don’t choose who or how we fall in love. But we can choose the actions we take. I will always love you R but now it’s time to stand up for myself.
I bought a new computer today. So, I can finally write in more comfort and edit a few things on this blog. My palm is painful from navigating too much on my phone. Feels like an impending carpal tunnel. Please don’t be.
“Can I buy you a laptop?”
I don’t think it’s necessary.
“I think it’s necessity. Can we go shop for it later?”
It’s too much.
“It’s not. It’s something you need. We are doing it.”
Part of me wish I would have just let you buy me a laptop just so I can hang on to more of you. Your reasoning was so cute. “Can’t feel comfortable watching Netflix from your phone right?”
However, a bigger part of me is proud of myself for sticking to my guns even though it irked me a lot when my old laptop completely gave up on me two weeks after I refused to pick a laptop with you. There we were jumping computer to computer and you trying to persuade me to pick one. Sometimes I wonder if that was just guilt. I hope not.
I’ve been avoiding people this week. I haven’t been responding to messages. Or picking up calls. I just need to breathe. I need to have some space from some people in order to declutter. I think it’s doing me well so far. I find it tiring to hear people telling me that I should go out with this guy and that guy. I did meet some new people and now this guy is offering to fund me a vacation to Hawaii. I think it’s insane considering the cost coming from this part of the world. He is aware how emotionally unavailable I am yet his intentions still seem romantically motivated even though masked as a friendly gesture and now I can’t even bring myself to talk to him anymore. I feel like I should just stay away from people, it’s unfair when I cannot provide them with at least a similar level of interest.
At least with this new computer I am able to watch Netflix. Today, I watched about 3 episodes of Sense8 and couldn’t help crying when things got emotional. It was as if a world of sadness just compounded themselves into a ball flying straight into my heart. I felt the pain, that made me feel like jumping into a plane to go help kids and women in Africa. It’s the same rush of emotion that almost brought me to tears when I first saw an Escher’s exhibition. Regardless, I am glad there are other pain I could feel to distract me from the pain of yearning and loneliness I have been feeling since you left. There were a few parts that reminded me of you though because one of the guys have that same tiny hint of smile as he speak of something the same way you do.
If only I could turn this feelings off. It baffles me how I feel so strong about you and still feel so strong about you.
My friends told me you are a terrible person and I should be able to move on easily yet I could remember us like it was yesterday and sometimes I smile thinking about them. But sometimes I feel ashamed of myself for doing that.
Yet, here I am still eating tiny bits of the croquant you brought me because I’m too scared it’d run out feeling exhausted as my insomnia is still rather rampant.
Last night I had a dream about you. Now I am just angry at myself for dreaming about you, I guess.
Anyway, never again am I going to make myself so vulnerable.
“Let’s fuck. I love how we both are fucking animals. We were perhaps bunnies in our past life.”
“We probably were. We probably still are.” he said.
I have been smoking a lot lately. I smoke till I feel sick in my stomach. Over 36miligrams of nicotine in a shot, more than my usual cotton candy body can handle.
Sometimes when I smoke, I wonder how it would feel like if i put the cigarette stick into my skin. Will the pain make any of these pain lesser? Is that how you felt when you got all those burn scars on your arms?
I had no idea when my potty mouth asked you if you were abused when you were younger. I am so innocent. I was. I wasn’t sympathetic, I don’t know why. Perhaps because I know how strong of a person you are.
“I want to be inside you.
Our skin would be contrasting.” He said.
You drive my mind wild. Constantly intoxicated with dirty desires. I want to be yours. I I want you to have my body. I like how you control my body.
“Your lips are keeping my mind occupied.”
Do they still?
Argh, F, you’re disgusting. I’m disgusted. Get a grip of yourself. Why are you still thinking about these?
But those caramel, burnt caramel skin, they’re so beautiful. I can’t stop wanting them. I am disgusted at how I can be obsessed with a person.
I got issues but you got ’em too.
I am optimistic that one day, I will be okay again.
2.5 hours, I still have no urge to sleep. My eyes bawling. I watched an episode of Travellers on Netflix. Rolling on the bed with this colicky pain. How I still have you sticking on my mind, is a mystery.
My friend was telling me, “you go out with this guy once, he will tell you ‘I love you’ after one date.” I laughed at her, “then let’s find out shall we?”
“Sweetheart he didn’t tell me ‘I love you’ but you’re right, the drama has begun, he told me he had a dreamt about me last night!”
You had a dream about us in a log cabin in Eagle Brae. My head on your stomach, you playing chess. There were marshmallows and hot chocolate because you like hot chocolate.
What I started as a case of curiosity and self entertainment now has left me sleepless, not wanting anyone else. You said you wanted me to crave you, now look at me.
That first impromptu date, crossing borders, my first whisky sour.
“Sweetheart, I am out with him. This is his room number and his hotel and his full name just in case he is a psychopath and he murdered me. We are listening to this guy with a great soprano now at the bar of this hotel.”
“He turned out to be wonderful. We connected a lot. We talked and talked and talked and went to his room and talked some more. I knew he wanted to kiss me but we didn’t, I pretended to not get the signal. I really enjoyed myself. I was offended though, he got me a perfume, and I felt like it was a breach of my personality and I told him. He said most people would be grateful but I am a weirdo. He asked me weird questions and it’s like he peeked into my soul. Feels like I am in Tuesdays With Morrie. Regardless, I loved my time with him. Oh no, this is such a good distraction!”
To which she responded “he is a gentleman after all. Maybe we judged him prematurely.”
Maybe we did.
You are though, the only person to tell me “you bullshit a lot don’t you? You’re very good at bullshitting.” on a first date. Or any dates.
The sun will be up pretty soon. This is my salvation. When the rest of the world is also awake, all my fears and my sadness will seem smaller.