Idiot in love

I fell in love with you.

I know I said “I don’t need quantity as much as I need quality.”

It still feels quite that way. We didn’t know each other that long but your impact and things you taught and showed me tore my world apart. If I want to be a romantic, it’s like how when Rumi met Shamz that night and how he broke all that he knew and showed him a new world. How Rumi was left drunk for Shamz when he went missing.

You tore my world. I have always wanted to discover the world but after knowing you I become adamant to turn them into reality. I am doing BJJ. Who knows eventually WingChun/Krav Maga like you showed me?

You taught me life is short. I am not as afraid about dying as much as I used to. “It’s not about when it happens. It’s about what we could do before that. You will become strong as we go through this together.” You altered my perspective. That a full life even if it might be shorter is what I’d rather have than a longer mundane life. But I want that five years with you, if we have five. I want to kiss all those scars on your body, every fucking damn day.

You are not especially handsome you know but you sure are my Mr Bloody Fucking Charming and there is totally something about you when you wear a suit that takes my breath away. How I enjoyed jumping onto you and piggy riding that huge frame and your lopsided smile. I noticed how fast you could tie your tie. I miss your smell, that spicy Hermes.

“I am sure everything your lips touch are worthwhile.” You said. I miss those thin lips of yours, kissing you in that dark cinema, when my shoulder fell stiff when you kept pulling my arms towards you, how I felt so surreal staring at you in flesh again after a good deal of time apart, how I felt like that “la la land” romance wasn’t as good as ours. I know that statement is  a tad much. Those little details like how you chew candy or how you always shamelessly don’t ask permission from me, your tad annoying mr big boss attitude that I secretly like yet you knowingly know I like.

You told me to let go of all those self help books and start discovering on my own. That I should be original, no generics.

Psychologia Empirica. Ha ha.

I am still thinking about your words.

“I think you misunderstand

My ability to do the right thing for you vs your independence

me:

I still think it’s within my right to choose permitted I am given all the informations I needed

it’s the last part

That you don’t gather

you should be happy about

me: about what?

about the fact I am selfless with you.”

I wish this was all a nightmare. I wish you would just appear in front of me one day and tell me that everything is okay, and that’s what all it was, a nightmare and then we would resume like you never went missing that night a month ago. All in all a wishful thinking I realize.

is it wrong that I am still in love with you in spite learning now that you’re married? Maybe I am just an idiot. An idiot in love. No one knows if you’re still alive. Or you just decided to neglect me. Maybe I am in denial, but I don’t  think you neglected me. I don’t think you’re dead either. I hope you aren’t. Part of me wants to think that you’re just an asshole just so long  as you’re not dead. I’m not ready for that. You asked me to take off this weekend. Today we should be hiking somewhere near Bagan, if not making love in a water bungalow like we have always wanted.

i want to walk with you at that pier again. I want to see the planes or the dark empty sky with you. Even in darkness.

It’s hard to imagine if you would have lied. They felt so genuine.

But try explaining that marriage? And your name? The one I was told and the one I found.

It’s hard to imagine the truth in all of these.

Writing this to an empty space and throwing them into the internet helps. Maybe you will find them some day. Maybe you are reading them now. So tell me, how do I stop this emotions? So tell me, why you did what you did?

How can someone seem so wrong yet feel so right?

I don’t know how to turn this off R. It always felt so safe with you and now I don’t know what’s safe and not anymore. I am confused. I didn’t realize I fell for you like this. I need you more than I thought I would ever and I need you now, always.

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