I miss you dearly R. Why am I not better yet? I am starting to get frustrated with myself. During the day I am fine, I found myself again I feel. But even when I think I am good, I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking about you or thinking about making love to you.
My body still wants your body, my lips still want yours, my touch still wants to feel your heat, my nose still wants your scent, my desire still burns thinking about your tongue on my delicates. What have you done to me? I feel like a delusional ass hat by now constantly replaying how we made love in our head. I yearn for you so badly. How is this possible?
“Clown, stop swearing.”
I miss that. I miss you calling me a clown and I miss talking to you. And I miss you telling me I talk too much. And having you tell me how you need to be here to hug and kiss me – your trick to shut me up and calm me down.
I do feel calm around you.
I don’t know what it is about you that makes me feel so grounded and calm.
I lIke our mismatch even though we share the same horoscope. I remember that flicker of light I saw on your face when you first learned our birth dates are just 4 days apart. Or maybe that’s because I was joking about whether you’re an astrologer too.
“I like friendly because I am not friendly.” you said.
Here I am in this dark hotel room, awake in the crisp of the noir night, writing about you. I am pretty angry at you yet I fiercely want you. Maybe this is why I am angry at you.
“I have been to 112 countries and I have never quite met someone like you.”
You know what to say to make me feel like I was special.
But I hate how you think you can make better decisions for me without consulting me. I hate how you decide to enter my life and now steal my sleep like this. I hate how you make your way into my heart and how I didn’t notice that and how when you leave my life you just went missing without a word when I was supposed to be picking you up from the station. Not enough with that, you have to leave me with a mystery by being missing from the office too? It’s like you just evaporated into thin air. It is not one but multiple stabs into my heart and it fucking hurts.
“We are ordinary people. Beautiful as we are, we can still get lost.” – Kodaline
Am I an idiot for still thinking that your move isn’t premeditated in spite of all that I know now? My brain actually thinks I am. Yet my guts say otherwise.
Will I get over this?