I bought a new computer today. So, I can finally write in more comfort and edit a few things on this blog. My palm is painful from navigating too much on my phone. Feels like an impending carpal tunnel. Please don’t be.

“Can I buy you a laptop?”
I don’t think it’s necessary.
I think it’s necessity. Can we go shop for it later?”
It’s too much.
It’s not. It’s something you need. We are doing it.”

Part of me wish I would have just let you buy me a laptop just so I can hang on to more of you. Your reasoning was so cute. “Can’t feel comfortable watching Netflix from your phone right?”

However, a bigger part of me is proud of myself for sticking to my guns even though it irked me a lot when my old laptop completely gave up on me two weeks after I refused to pick a laptop with you. There we were jumping computer to computer and you trying to persuade me to pick one. Sometimes I wonder if that was just guilt. I hope not.

I’ve been avoiding people this week. I haven’t been responding to messages. Or picking up calls. I just need to breathe. I need to have some space from some people in order to declutter. I think it’s doing me well so far. I find it tiring to hear people telling me that I should go out with this guy and that guy. I did meet some new people and now this guy is offering to fund me a vacation to Hawaii. I think it’s insane considering the cost coming from this part of the world. He is aware how emotionally unavailable I am yet his intentions still seem romantically motivated even though masked as a friendly gesture and now I can’t even bring myself to talk to him anymore. I feel like I should just stay away from people, it’s unfair when I cannot provide them with at least a similar level of interest.

At least with this new computer I am able to watch Netflix. Today, I watched about 3 episodes of Sense8 and couldn’t help crying when things got emotional. It was as if a world of sadness just compounded themselves into a ball flying straight into my heart. I felt the pain, that made me feel like jumping into a plane to go help kids and women in Africa. It’s the same rush of emotion that almost brought me to tears when I first saw an Escher’s exhibition. Regardless, I am glad there are other pain I could feel to distract me from the pain of yearning and loneliness I have been feeling since you left. There were a few parts that reminded me of you though because one of the guys have that same tiny hint of smile as he speak of something the same way you do.

If only I could turn this feelings off. It baffles me how I feel so strong about you and still feel so strong about you.

My friends told me you are a terrible person and I should be able to move on easily yet I could remember us like it was yesterday and sometimes I smile thinking about them. But sometimes I feel ashamed of myself for doing that.

Yet, here I am still eating tiny bits of the croquant you brought me because I’m too scared it’d run out feeling exhausted as my insomnia is still rather rampant.


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