Not too long ago I was telling a friend who was heartbroken about a boy “Hey, I’ve dated many guys, and one thing I can tell you is it will get better. You need to realise that guys aren’t essential and the most important thing is yourself. They’re nice to have around though.” That advice actually perked her up and how I wish it can perk me up as well right now. I was so happy at the time. You’re in my life, things seem to be going well and at the time I thought, “I like this guy, and finally someone who feels really right but if shit goes downhill I will be fine.”
Yet here I am. Still writing about you. Still thinking about you. Still missing you.
I am aware of how dumb I may be. I am sure of how dumb I look like. But at this point, I don’t think I could care less. I remember that time when we had a fight, I told you “at the risk of sounding really pathetic, let me fight for us because I know you too are happy with me just as I am really happy with you.” That’s a first.
I know you’re happy R. I know you were happy. I just know.
This is not my first love. But it was the first time I was so confident about a person. So confident about giving myself to a person. To finally want to let my guard down and surrender. I wanted to tell the world that “hey, I like this guy a lot.” and “hey, this is the one I’d like to meet my family.” Those who know me, know I don’t ever advertise my relationships to the extend of having a parent questioning my sexuality. I wanted to be by your side. All the way. Even when you told me “I would understand if any time you want to walk away.” I still do.
I don’t understand. I truly don’t understand.
And I wish I have an answer to this. Maybe a scientific equation that explains it all. Hey it’s just the dopamine.
At times I sit and wonder, I look at other people, or hear my friends about their partners and it made me miss you. Maybe I will meet someone too but I am so afraid, because I want that someone to be you. I am afraid that I am unable to give this much of myself to the next person and I will feel this hole even when I am with others and hence, what is the point? This particular thought swept away any jealousy I could feel because “just because I am in a relationship, doesn’t mean I am in one with the right qualities”. I am not who I used to be. I hope this won’t be crippling my future even though I am feeling like a cripple. I am more content being by myself than with someone if that person can’t make me feel the way I feel about you.
I feel screwed. It’s quite scary.
And on my drive home, I just couldn’t help but cry.
Crying though my darling, doesn’t mean weakness.
After all that’s happened, after all I have learned, I am scared of one thing. You knowing how much I feel for you and that it all meant nothing to you. It matters to me if you’re laughing at me and thinking I am weak.
If you have to know baby, I am doing well. It’s just I can’t really turn off this feeling even if I wanted to and I cannot stop missing you. No one knows how much I am still crying because I miss and want you and how much you mean to me. Let it be my little secret that you’re always on my mind.
“Talk to me, can’t you see?
I’m on your side”