Sweater Weather

It’s sweater weather. Here I am, sitting home at noon in a short satin nightie with long socks and a thick sweater hiding under the hood eating grapes and nuts. It feels bloody comfortable. I have a dark blue bruise on my arm from BJJ and my body is hurting all over from class struggles and sleeping on the floor. I feel proud looking at the bruise. It feels like something real is done.

So the past few days.

  • Salsa
  • BJJ
  • Spent time with parents – the good and the quarrels as per usual
  • Car broke down in the middle of the road
  • Hurt people’s feelings
  • Met a couple new interesting people
  • Watched Beauty and the Beast
  • Started reading a new book

Lately I have been feeling estranged and out of place. More so than before. I’ve always been one with the (a little bit)different idea than people around me but now I feel like people just don’t get it. They don’t understand why I see this and that as this and that and it makes me feel quite alone. At the midst of trying to get people to understand, and I might have tried too hard to do so, I believe I have hurt a few people. My conclusion, it’s best I keep my opinions to myself as very few would be able to understand and won’t get offended.

Reticence is important. Being quiet and doing my own thing and mini self development projects, diving into my interests is best. It’s not necessary to share especially with those who doesn’t have the same interest. After all, I tend to overshare and can kill people with boredom. I think am driving people away. Not that I care that much if people like me or not but I am not comfortable with negative air surrounding me.

Forking out more money for the car means, I am very unlikely to go for my short trip in April. I just bought a new laptop and some fancy shit for my little nephews too so I guess I have to pull back on a mini vacation. I am a little upset but perhaps I shouldn’t go anyway since I was contemplating.

My mom randomly offered me a huge loan to continue grad school. It’s a very tempting offer because I am thirsty to be good at something else and it’s my good chance to flee. I am thinking about it.

I just started on “Yes, my accent is real” by Kunal Nayyar or Rajesh Koothrappali from Big Bang Theory. I liked him on BBT and named one of my dad’s cat Rajesh because of him. He is hilarious. I like reading books that make me escape reality. It’s like a nice vacation from real life.

New people I met? I met a mom who cooks healthy stuff and is a part of an NGO. She gave me her card and told me to call her if I’d like to hang out. I believe I should call her. Seems like a healthy thing to do. Granted I don’t scare all those women away. I am also making more friends from BJJ. This is what I need. I realise that all these energy should be invested into making myself better at stuff like BJJ.

I enjoyed every minute of Beauty and the Beast. I relate very well to the story and of course, I cried. The part where Belle is just considered a weird girl, or how Belle is hungry for things out there, “there must be more than this provincial life”. And then her love story with the Beast which made me want to kill myself cos it’s a bit much for me. Not that R looks like a Beast. A little, maybe. It’s in how in the beginning I thought he was a pompous, boring, arrogant rich man I wouldn’t fit into. Yet he turned out to be able to laugh at my absurdity. I smile when I think about his surprised face as we were crossing the road. “Did you just call me Mr Specific?”
The part when Belle saw his library like she was shown a whole world. A whole new world.
It’s that softness I see in that constant angry face. It made me feel special. Made me feel like I belong. When I asked “why do you have to scare people?” to which he answered “you need to instil fear sometimes”. He is such a Beast.
Belle left for her father after the Beast asked “Do you think you can be happy here?” and she responded “I don’t know. Can you be happy when you’re not free?” R knows I want freedom. “what do you want to be free from he asked”. “Life, I said”.
I said we should go out dancing. He said, “we should do that and many other things.”

When Belle left, the Beast sang Evermore. That. Killed. Me.

The lyrics killed me. But all ended well in the movie.
And for the first time in my life, I wished my life was like a fairy tale. I wish there will be that happy ending too, I wish the pain will be taken away and replaced with a glorious happy tale. Yet in reality, you still owe me a dance and my beast/Prince Charming might never come.

And I have made peace with that. Although I see him everywhere, I think about him all the time, I hear him all the time and I wish he was there with me whatever I was doing. I feel crazy because it’s like I have his ghost haunting me. If this is what they call real love, I must have never fallen in love. It’s either love or I am really crazy. What kind of wizardry is this anyway? One moment I feel this way, and sometimes I feel really angry I want to punch you in the face. Punch, hard like you asked me to.
“You need accosting.”
“I don’t think I have a problem with that. I do get accosted.”
“Don’t anymore. Except by me.”
“How do I stop them?”
“Punch. Hard.”

Time to stop overthinking about this and put my mind elsewhere. This obsession isn’t healthy. Hello Rajesh.


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