Insomnia thoughts

I am up again in the middle of the night. Right now with a feeling I don’t like – paranoia.

Am I just one of the women you seduce just because you can? Are you saying the same things to some other woman right now, while I stay in this phase unable to remove you from the depth of my heart? Do you miss me, do you think about me?

I can’t see how I will feel contented in the future living with the knowledge I have now. At the same time I am afraid if it’s just all a lie. Does it matter now?

This pain matters. My feelings matters. It’s funny how prior to knowing you, things were just fine, and now that I have met and lost you, there is this prominent hole in my life that I constantly have to tiptoe around just so I won’t fall. I may think I am doing amazing during day time but when the night falls, all thoughts of you come creeping back up.

What we had felt so real though. More than not, I could feel your feelings for me were genuine. Not in your eyes, not in your words but in your energy. How your energy calms me down and how it also lights me up like fireworks.

Are you thinking about me R? Do you still feel the same way? Why did you disappear?

I am starting to get disgusted at myself because I can’t stop thinking about you and I can’t stop wanting you.

Dialogues

Can you imagine us together?

You mean? 

I mean as a couple.

Can you imagine us together? 

Yes.

Hmm ok.

You got my answer and now yours.

Let’s see how it goes. 

Interesting.

Why?

You don’t answer but you got my answer.

Well I like you. I like you a lot. I can imagine being with you yes. 

You are getting attached to me. It’s nice.

You like that? 

Yes. I think it’s good.

Wow. I think it’s unexpected considering your job and your personality. Guys like you normally avoid attachment and commitments. 

As do I.

And what’s going on now?

Trying something new.

Why?

I’m not always going to be in a position where I need detachment. Because my job will adapt. I can’t do this forever.

What changed?

Nothing. But it will, with age.

So I came at the right time?

And you are the right person. Not just timing.

I am still finding my way. 

I know. Be positive.

What are you thinking about? 

You and what you really want.

What do you think I want?

Someone who understands and empathises with you. Who embraces the wild side of you. But also keeps you on your feet.

What do you think I want from YOU? 

All of the above. Help you do that.

I want to kiss you right now.

I’ll kiss you in less than a week.

 

Collisions

On Thursday, a source told me where you were last heard of and that you aren’t married.

But…

If you really care, why didn’t you say anything?

I’ve encountered two chances to perhaps find out more. I didn’t.

It doesn’t mean I don’t want you close. The silence is so loud now that I am living with the knowledge of not having you in my life.

“Can you just shut up and kiss me?”

I miss you dearly R. Why am I not better yet? I am starting to get frustrated with myself. During the day I am fine, I found myself again I feel. But even when I think I am good, I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking about you or thinking about making love to you.

My body still wants your body, my lips still want yours, my touch still wants to feel your heat, my nose still wants your scent, my desire still burns thinking about your tongue on my delicates. What have you done to me? I feel like a delusional ass hat by now constantly replaying how we made love in our head. I yearn for you so badly. How is this possible?

“Clown, stop swearing.”

I miss that. I miss you calling me a clown and I miss talking to you. And I miss you telling me I talk too much. And having you tell me how you need to be here to hug and kiss me – your trick to shut me up and calm me down.

I do feel calm around you.

I don’t know what it is about you that makes me feel so grounded and calm.

I lIke our mismatch even though we share the same horoscope. I remember that flicker of light I saw on your face when you first learned our birth dates are just 4 days apart. Or maybe that’s because I was joking about whether you’re an astrologer too.

“I like friendly because I am not friendly.” you said.

Here I am in this dark hotel room, awake in the crisp of the noir night,  writing about you. I am pretty angry at you yet I fiercely want you. Maybe this is why I am angry at you.

“I have been to 112 countries and I have never quite met someone like you.”

You know what to say to make me feel like I was special.

But I hate how you think you can make better decisions for me without consulting me. I hate how you decide to enter my life and now steal my sleep like this. I hate how you make your way into my heart and how I didn’t notice that and how when you leave my life you just went missing without a word when I was supposed to be picking you up from the station. Not enough with that, you have to leave me with a mystery by being  missing from the office too? It’s like you just evaporated into thin air. It is not one but multiple stabs into my heart and it fucking hurts.

“We are ordinary people. Beautiful as we are, we can still get lost.” – Kodaline

Am I an idiot for still thinking that your move isn’t premeditated in spite of all that I know now? My brain actually thinks I am. Yet my guts say otherwise.

Will I get over this?

Saturday update

Today I partnered with a hormonal and seemingly angry thirteen year old who has done BJJ about 9 months. We later sparred and of course, the more experienced hormonal chick whooped my ass.

It’s nice. It felt good. There is so much to learn. My trainers even gave me homework so I could practice at home. After class, I stayed for another hour, drilling with some of the guys and then we sparred. I fell a good deal on the floor and even have it on video. It’s hilarious, the guys were scared if I would be hurt but I wanted to continue and asked him to give it to me. At the end, I managed to take him down, albeit not the technically correct way. At least we had a good laugh and he was in submission. Too bad that part was not caught in video. I will keep these videos to see how I progress.

I am so glad that I am doing this. Surrounding myself with a group of people that give out positive energy. They don’t know my stories but well who cares? They have been supportive with my training and it feels good. Later we learned how to fold our gi the proper way just for shits and giggles.

I spoke to my professor, who is about my age. He said it took him 11 years to get to a black belt. I wonder if I will ever get there myself?

I came home, and swam a little. The sun was out, it was beautiful. I have a slight sunburn on my cheeks and I love it.

Had yesterday’s leftover while watching this Bollywood movie called Rostam. I find Akshay Khanna unbelievably manly – macho, admirable, nice ass. After all, he’s wearing a navy uniform the whole time. Hindi movies are so long though so I have not finished watching the movie. I am glad that Akshay Khanna does not waste his manliness only on typical bollywood romance movies. I believe I know what’s the movie going to be like, but maybe it will be better than I expected.

I have not had days like this for a while. I am properly tired and I am actually feeling some peace.

I miss him a great deal but I guess I can feel both at the same time.

While my heart may suffer because I might be immensely in love with a man who mysteriously disappeared, at the same time, the rest of my world should not follow and fall apart with it. I might have cried while I was driving to BJJ class today, or cried at any Kodaline song that reminds me of him, but I still got the job done – to enjoy myself in class and be (somewhat)productive.

If I can feel 80% of happiness, I’ll take what I can rather than none.

I am left with a purple unicorn that I occasionaly spray with the perfume he gave me which I hug to sleep every night now, something he bought me because of my love for unicorns and perhaps because of my failed attempts at getting the unicorn dingy I wanted.

How I wish it was him instead.

Idiot in love

I fell in love with you.

I know I said “I don’t need quantity as much as I need quality.”

It still feels quite that way. We didn’t know each other that long but your impact and things you taught and showed me tore my world apart. If I want to be a romantic, it’s like how when Rumi met Shamz that night and how he broke all that he knew and showed him a new world. How Rumi was left drunk for Shamz when he went missing.

You tore my world. I have always wanted to discover the world but after knowing you I become adamant to turn them into reality. I am doing BJJ. Who knows eventually WingChun/Krav Maga like you showed me?

You taught me life is short. I am not as afraid about dying as much as I used to. “It’s not about when it happens. It’s about what we could do before that. You will become strong as we go through this together.” You altered my perspective. That a full life even if it might be shorter is what I’d rather have than a longer mundane life. But I want that five years with you, if we have five. I want to kiss all those scars on your body, every fucking damn day.

You are not especially handsome you know but you sure are my Mr Bloody Fucking Charming and there is totally something about you when you wear a suit that takes my breath away. How I enjoyed jumping onto you and piggy riding that huge frame and your lopsided smile. I noticed how fast you could tie your tie. I miss your smell, that spicy Hermes.

“I am sure everything your lips touch are worthwhile.” You said. I miss those thin lips of yours, kissing you in that dark cinema, when my shoulder fell stiff when you kept pulling my arms towards you, how I felt so surreal staring at you in flesh again after a good deal of time apart, how I felt like that “la la land” romance wasn’t as good as ours. I know that statement is  a tad much. Those little details like how you chew candy or how you always shamelessly don’t ask permission from me, your tad annoying mr big boss attitude that I secretly like yet you knowingly know I like.

You told me to let go of all those self help books and start discovering on my own. That I should be original, no generics.

Psychologia Empirica. Ha ha.

I am still thinking about your words.

“I think you misunderstand

My ability to do the right thing for you vs your independence

me:

I still think it’s within my right to choose permitted I am given all the informations I needed

it’s the last part

That you don’t gather

you should be happy about

me: about what?

about the fact I am selfless with you.”

I wish this was all a nightmare. I wish you would just appear in front of me one day and tell me that everything is okay, and that’s what all it was, a nightmare and then we would resume like you never went missing that night a month ago. All in all a wishful thinking I realize.

is it wrong that I am still in love with you in spite learning now that you’re married? Maybe I am just an idiot. An idiot in love. No one knows if you’re still alive. Or you just decided to neglect me. Maybe I am in denial, but I don’t  think you neglected me. I don’t think you’re dead either. I hope you aren’t. Part of me wants to think that you’re just an asshole just so long  as you’re not dead. I’m not ready for that. You asked me to take off this weekend. Today we should be hiking somewhere near Bagan, if not making love in a water bungalow like we have always wanted.

i want to walk with you at that pier again. I want to see the planes or the dark empty sky with you. Even in darkness.

It’s hard to imagine if you would have lied. They felt so genuine.

But try explaining that marriage? And your name? The one I was told and the one I found.

It’s hard to imagine the truth in all of these.

Writing this to an empty space and throwing them into the internet helps. Maybe you will find them some day. Maybe you are reading them now. So tell me, how do I stop this emotions? So tell me, why you did what you did?

How can someone seem so wrong yet feel so right?

I don’t know how to turn this off R. It always felt so safe with you and now I don’t know what’s safe and not anymore. I am confused. I didn’t realize I fell for you like this. I need you more than I thought I would ever and I need you now, always.

Just ‘cos

It keeps playing in my head

“Just cos your marriage sucks, or you had a terrible wedding video. Does not mean you’re free to involve me in.”

I’ve been quite angry lately. BJJ feels so good whenever I get to take down someone. It also helps whenever I get paranoid in doff situations after this whole odd fiasco.

Sheeeyt. Everything is shit.

“I am in love with a boy manufactured to destroy.
So, I shall unravel my love, like an old red woollen glove.”

I still feel like there are things that doesn’t quite add up though. But I am tired of fighting this because it’s like fighting the current. There will be more answers some day perhaps. But I guess, if it’s so complicated, I don’t want to be a part of it. I don’t want to be tangled in this drama I didn’t sign up for.

Just resume, and do me, as much as I can.
I still want to punch hard.